Me

I have found Resolve in many thing & I always wake with Resolution.

“Who honors those we love for the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, & at the same time sings that we will never die? Who teaches us what’s real & how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live & what we’ll die to defend? Who chains us? & Who holds the key that can set us free… It’s You. You have all the weapons you need. Now Fight!” -Suckerpunch

Merciful Father I have squandered my days with plans of many things. This was not among them. But at this moment, I beg only, to live the next few minutes well.
For all we ought to have thought and have not thought. All we ought to have said and have not said.
All we ought to have done and have not done. I pray thee, God for forgiveness. -13th Warrior

p.s. Im kidding if any of you actually think I believe the world will end. Im keeping on guard for any stupid people acting crazy about it though.

Said well enough that it speaks for Me on the subject »

Taken From the Sheepdog Inc Blog

I could tell you how I feel about this whole thing, but how I feel doesn’t matter. Not one little bit. As a society we can blame and point and yell about what happened and why, but that doesn’t matter either. The only thing that is of any true matter right now is those parents who will never again hold their children. They don’t get to tuck them in bed tonight or tell them to clean up their room. They dropped their child off at school this morning and went to work, or back home, or shopping never thinking that the worst thing that could ever happen to them just happened. They never thought that the presents they were so excited to watch their child open would be forever wrapped…waiting for the Christmas that wouldn’t come. And then there’s the survivors. The little ones who are forever changed by something so far from their control. The teachers who may have tried, but couldn’t help. The first responders who walked into a scene that no amount of training can prepare you for.

I’m not really a religious guy, but I can tell you this for sure, I’m going to say a prayer tonight. I’m going to pray for those families, and those survivors, and those first responders. And I’m going to pray for the souls of those lost lambs that God all mighty will hold them close and that in his infinite affection he will wrap his loving arms around the others so that they know peace and comfort.

How do I feel about it? Who cares?

Nightly Rant:

Is it Me or is it just kinda creepy & lame when a girl you’ve totally had sex with (more than once) Pulls the “you’re like My Brother” card…WTF??!! I mean, Ive been very fortunate to establish some amazing & close friendships with Girls I’ve dated & been with in the past. & when the damn “Friend Card” gets pulled I’m pretty good about respecting the boundaries that have been set. & I’m ok with being Best Buddies, but the whole “Like My Brother” thing…come on, that’s just weird. Maybe its cause even though I wont cross that line (unless mutually agreed upon) that I think they’re still attractive.

Now I do have a lot of Lady Friends (very good looking at that) I don’t mind calling Me Bro & I referring to them like a sister. & that’s because I didn’t get all …well…you know. Maybe its just that even though a good solid friendship has been made, I still have a hole in My heart for this person. & it struck Me wrong. I’m aware of the reality, & we’ll probably never cross that bridge again. But dropping the “you’re like My Brother” line…??..ugh!! & it’s not the 1st time this has happened with a girl (the 1st with this particular one though), or why else would I be ranting about it. Ha Ha.

Anybody else agree or have that happen?? Maybe I’m just looking to deep into a simple Facebook comment & being to critical.

-How time flies & pleasant old memories slip back into your mind. If there was a shooting star it wouldn’t be beyond Me to wish for repeat, a fleeting moment to again see.- It gets tiring, being so hung up on someone that you absolutely know you shouldn’t. Harder to pull away when an amazing connection is made, but not ending up on a level your heart worked so hard for. To feel somewhat swept aside while you sit & watch someone pursue something else that’s toxic just for you to be their rock & shoulder to cry on. So much time & energy (& some fun passionate moments) invested to just get the friend card pulled & you feel like the biggest Joker in the Deck. Like the same old game that keeps getting played. Not My first rodeo. & I’m sure it wont be the last Tango in Paris either. Guess its just funny how flipping through some old emails & seeing something from a year ago can bring back a few smiles. But then blast a stark contrast of then & now. I can still feel Her from that moment. Guess tonight the phone call for support & the humorous text before she falls asleep will have to suffice

GM/Guro Carlito Bonjoc & I at the 2012 KILOHANA KUFFERATH MASTERS SEMINAR today. Met & trained with some very top notch & amazing people.

Guro Bonjoc saw Me on the way into My Hotel room while getting out of His car & says “Good Evening Sir & Congratulations” (I received Nidan rank recognitions by the Kilohana Martial Arts association this evening)

It seems trivial to many, but it never ceases to amaze Me, the genuine kindness & humility of some of the most talented & deadly people on the planet. Its a constant reminder & lesson on how a true Warrior always continues too develop character & walks a path of kindness in their heart.

Another good post on Nocturnal Medics

For all my brothers & sisters in EMS, Fire & police….

I wish you could know what it is like to search a burning bedroom for trapped children at 3 AM, flames rolling above your head, your palms and knees burning as you crawl, the floor sagging under your weight as the kitchen below you burns.

I wish yo

u could comprehend a wife’s horror at 6 in the morning as I check her husband of 40 years for a pulse and find none. I start CPR anyway, hoping to bring him back, knowing intuitively it is too late. But wanting his wife and family to know everything possible was done to try to save his life.

I wish you knew the unique smell of burning insulation, the taste of soot-filled mucus, the feeling of intense heat through your turnout gear, the sound of flames crackling, the eeriness of being able to see absolutely nothing in dense smoke-sensations that I’ve become too familiar with.

I wish you could read my mind as I respond to a building fire “Is this a false alarm or a working fire? How is the building constructed? What hazards await me? Is anyone trapped?” Or to call, “What is wrong with the patient? Is it minor or life-threatening? Is the caller really in distress or is he waiting for us with a 2x4 or a gun?”

I wish you could be in the emergency room as a doctor pronounces dead the beautiful five-year old girl that I have been trying to save during the past 25 minutes, who will never go on her first date or say the words, “I love you Mommy” again.

I wish you could know the frustration I feel in the cab of the engine, squad, or my personal vehicle, the driver with his foot pressing down hard on the pedal, my arm tugging again and again at the air horn chain, as you fail to yield the right-of-way at an intersection or in traffic. When you need us however, your first comment upon our arrival will be, “It took you forever to get here!”

I wish you could know my thoughts as I help extricate a girl of teenage years from the remains of her automobile. “What if this was my daughter, sister, my girlfriend or a friend? What was her parent’s reaction going to be when they opened the door to find a police officer with hat in hand?”

I wish you could know how it feels to walk in the back door and greet my parents and family, not having the heart to tell them that I nearly did not come back from the last call.

I wish you could know how it feels dispatching officers, firefighters and EMT’s out and when we call for them and our heart drops because no one answers back or to here a bone chilling 911 call of a child or wife needing assistance.

I wish you could feel the hurt as people verbally, and sometimes physically, abuse us or belittle what I do, or as they express their attitudes of “It will never happen to me.”

I wish you could understand why we tend to be so cautious and “unfriendly” when we pull you over. And I wish you would not take it so personally.

I wish you could understand the pain of watching someone who wears the same uniform being laid to rest after being killed in the line of duty.

I wish you could realize the physical, emotional and mental drain or missed meals, lost sleep and forgone social activities, in addition to all the tragedy my eyes have seen.

I wish you could know the brotherhood and self-satisfaction of helping save a life or preserving someone’s property, or being able to be there in time of crisis, or creating order from total chaos.

I wish you could understand why we hate it when you look at us and tell your little child, “If you don’t behave, I’m gonna give you to that policeman.” Great, now they’re scared of us. So who do you want them to call when things go bad?

I wish you could understand the terror that courses through your veins in the seconds before you make a life and death decision because someone you probably have never met is determined to kill you.

I wish you could understand the frustration of arriving at a call and finding someone with a gun, knowing that you have milliseconds to decide if you need to shoot or not, while after the fact, your actions will be debated for months by many who have never even held a gun.

I wish you could understand what it feels like to have a little boy tugging at your arm and asking, “Is Mommy okay?” Not even being able to look in his eyes without tears from your own and not knowing what to say. Or to have to hold back a long time friend who watches his buddy having CPR done on him as they take him away in the Medic Unit. You know all along he did not have his seat belt on. A sensation that I have become too familiar with.

I wish you could know what it is like to see the aftermath of someone taking their own life. To end it in such a manner that forever sticks in your head. Or a grandmother of 4 collapse in front on her family, while you do all you can to keep the spirit and morale of the family high, but deep down in your heart, you know she won’t wake up.

I wish you could know what it is like to perform CPR on your old coach from when you were young. Someone who was there for you, and now you have the chance to be there for them, but deep down, all efforts will fail you.

I wish you could know what it’s like to spend 10+ hours in near zero degree temperatures, turning people around and sending them home because the roads are too dangerous to drive on - and when you get home yourself, be unable to rid yourself of body racking shudders from the cold lodged inside you, no matter how many quilts you pile on or how high you turn the heat.

I wish you could see the fear on my family’s face everytime the tones go off and the dispatcher pages my company -never knowing if this time will be the last time they call “be careful and come home safe” to me as I rush out our door to save an innocent life. Unless you have lived with this kind of life, you will never truly understand or appreciate who I am, we are, or what our job really means to us…I wish you could though

Afternoon Mojo

Quick afternoon work out
-Kettlebell set (x10 cleansnatch overhead L&R, x10 pass arounds L&R, single hand swings L&R)
-Approx. 100yrd (top of road &back) dash/jog. 20 crunches, few stretches. Did x3 Kettlebell sets with x2 of the other in-between. Took only about 20min. Not even close to a strenuous workout for most, but a good one for Me. Remember: you’re still lapping the person on the couch & 20min on a day off is easy to find…Now Go Get It!!

The pain in the ass involved when hooking Myself up to find out if it’s the actual Zoll monitor or if its the 12 lead cables that are going bad (V5 & V6). (Especially since we just got it back from them for supposed repair)….

The relief (when finding the other Zoll & cables that worked) of knowing I haven’t Infarcted anywhere after 8 years in this line of work…

Sigh…the duties of an EMT-1 Shift Sup. Bwhahaha!!
Tomorrow is Payday & My 72 Off!! So much for My liver ;)

Elegant like a pair of Brass Knuckles

I woke up to a nice unexpected text early this morning. It was from a Girl I casually dated for a fleeting moment last Summer. She lives 2 hours away. Even though it didn’t work, We’ve remained friends & what not. After She reconnected with Her less than desirable Ex, I respectfully keep My distance when it comes to Facebook & texting. (I think some guys just don’t get the “just friends” thing). I text Her a Happy B-day the other day & had a brief nice exchange of text for the 1st time in awhile. This morning on her way to work she text & asked how I was doing & Hoped I was well. I wished Her a good day & She said that She was thinking of Me when putting on Her favorite lime green Hoodie this morning. The Adidas Hoodie I left at Her house last year.

I know all this sounds silly or as if flirting with some sort of disaster. I assure You its an innocent friendly exchange of conversation, genuinely backed by friendship. But the main point I guess I’m making, is that for the longest time I thought she had kind of forgot about Me & maybe the nice moments we had. It was nice too know She still has that Lime Green Adidas Hoodie & thinks of Me from time to time.

Here’s a little something wrote last summer after We kinda went different directions

“Upon Reflection: An Exquisite Distraction, Elegant like a pair of Brass Knuckles, perhaps worth every now departed Knot in My stomach.
Earning Her own tiny scar in My chest. Easily overlooked when juxtaposed with the others. But monumental none the less.”

It’s when insecurities & self doubt start whispering excuses & showing you your fears. It’s then you have to give fully into throwing caution of failure to the wind & pick a fight with them.
You may even be outnumbered. You may lose. It’s the tenacity of your true spirit & character they fear the most anyway. -Me

A bit long, but worth the read. & I very rarely post EMS related stuff. I try to keep work at work. But if You’re in the field or ever had any questions about the field…well…here you go

If you are new to EMS or feel like giving up on EMS, read this speech by Kelly Grayson:

Welcome to the profession whose entry-level practitioners — you, in a few months — rank 4th from the bottom in the Bureau of Labor Statistics salary rankings. The only people paid less than you are pre-school teachers, dishwashers and meatpackers. The guy riding on the back of the garbage truck, or holding a sign at a highway

construction zone, makes more money than your EMT instructor. Likely, a lot more. And none of those people are required to make life-or-death decisions. You will. It is a profession where the line-of-duty death rate is comparable to firefighters and police officers. For those of you who aspire to flight paramedic status, that particular niche is by far the most dangerous profession in America — ahead of loggers, miners, and Alaska crab fisherman. It is a profession whose divorce, suicide and substance abuse rates soar far higher than the general population. The average career expectancy of an EMT is five years. Five years.
Some of you will go on to jobs in nursing or other healthcare fields. Those of you that don’t move on to nursing or PA school will leave EMS with a career-ending back injury, or leave EMS healthy but not whole; jaded and cynical, your idealism burned away in the furnace-like reality of our profession, your faith in the innate goodness of man gone like so much ash and smoke up the chimney. You’ll be disrespected You will be disrespected by patients and bystanders who don’t know any better, and belittled by doctors and nurses who should. And many of you will endure the abuse for free labor, donating your services as volunteers.
So why do I tell you this? Well, they call it informed consent, a concept you’ll learn about in the first few chapters of that EMT textbook you’re carrying. Before you agree to the abuse you’re about to suffer, it’s only fair that you know what you’re getting into.
And it’s not what you think.
You will sift through broken glass and twisted metal, wade through urine and feces and vomit, weather heaping torrents of verbal abuse from the people you’re trying to help, all for the prospect of a few dollars on payday, and perhaps…just perhaps…a show of gratitude now and again.
I’m here to tell you that what you’ve been promised is a lie, if only a little white one. When you’re green and idealistic, the romance and thrill of EMS is powerful. All of us were adrenaline junkies at some point. Plus, there’s a decent chance it might even get you laid. What’s not to like?
You won’t save that many lives
But you will soon discover the hidden truth, the one that drives most people out of our profession:
We don’t save that many lives.
Lifesaving may be what we train for, but the opportunity to actually save someone comes all too rarely, and when it does present itself, the outcome depends more upon luck and timing than our skills. In my career, I’ve had my share of code saves. Some of them even made it out of the hospital alive. Others hung on just long enough for their families to tell them goodbye. I’ve made the critical diagnosis, gotten the tough airway, turned around the crashing asthmatic, and stabilized the shocky gang banger with multiple unnatural holes in his person. I’ve needled chests, paced, defibrillated, and cardioverted, and given countless drugs.
But, other than a handful of exceptions, I can’t state with any certainty that my actions were the difference between life and death. In that handful of exceptions, all but one or two were saved simply by applying the techniques that any John Q. Citizen with a basic first aid course could have done. Ask your instructor if you don’t believe it’s true. They’ll tell you the same thing.
The reality of the profession:
The reality of your profession isn’t exciting rescues and cardiac arrest resuscitations twice a shift. Your reality will be dialysis transfers and people who can’t poop. It will be toothaches at 3:00 am, and you’ll have to maneuver your stretcher around five parked cars to get to the front door, and weave your way through five able-bodied drivers to get to the patient with a complaint so minor you can’t believe they called 911 for it.
So why, if you’re not going to save all that many lives, should you even bother? You should bother because EMS is a calling. Even when you leave EMS, it never really leaves you. It’s what Henry David Thoreau meant when he said, “Do what you love. Know your own bone; gnaw at it, bury it, unearth it, and gnaw it still.”
You should bother because, even if we’re not saving lives, what we do matters. It matters in ways unnoticed by us, to people you may not even remember tomorrow.
You should bother, because EMT’s are privileged to play in life’s great game. Too many unlucky people watch the action thunder by, stuck at a desk, or watching it on television at home.
You should bother, because it’s the little things that matter. Most of your patients are ignorant of your skills. Few of them understand the technology you wielded so expertly. But they’ll remember the smile you gave them, or the way you tucked the blanket in to ward away winter’s chill, or the way you stood in the rain, getting drenched as you held the umbrella over them as your partner loaded them in the bus. They’ll remember calm competence, and gentle speech. They’ll remember the joke you made to lighten the tension. They’ll remember those things and more, and they’ll remember your face long after you’ve forgotten theirs.
You’ll be remembered. They’ll remember you because, even though they were just another call to you, you were a major player in a defining event in their lives. They’ll come up to you, years after the fact, and say, “I remember you. You took care of me when I had my heart attack.”
And likely all you did was give oxygen and take them to the hospital. Maybe you helped them with another dose of nitro or encouraged them to take an aspirin — really nothing they couldn’t have done themselves. But you’re the one they remembered, and you’re the one they thanked.
You should bother, because in the tapestry of human existence, you get to contribute your own unique stitch. You get to make your mark in ways that cannot be quantified on a spreadsheet or a profit and loss statement. Not everyone gets to touch the life of another, but EMT’s do.
You should bother, because when people are at their most vulnerable, they will invite you into their homes and tell you things they won’t even tell their priest. And they’ll expect you to make it better somehow. I’m not sure you understand now how profound an honor that is, but hopefully one day you will. The question is, can you be worthy of that honor?
If you think so, then welcome to EMS. Do us proud.

By Kelly Grayson

I named one of My Kettlebells. We don’t get along very well…its the one I keep at the Ambulance station, only a .7 pood (25LB) so we have longer conversations

Sitting in the Ambulance out front of the Hospital, The Sun setting to My right, westward, casting the last arms of light reaching out. The dynamic hue blankets the grass & trees contrasting the shadows that now stand boldly. It reminds Me that I far from have it all figured out.

Adversity comes in all forms. But how I fight back & overcome is up to Me. The decisions lay in My heart & hands. The path I walk, the feelings I have, the actions I take…Im My own best Allie…My own worst Enemy.

“A esperança e quando a dor presente noz faz tentar outra vez
(Hope is when we feel the pain that makes us try again).”
–Chico Science

“Everyone has an Angel. A Guardian who watches over us.
We can’t know what form they’ll take.
One day, old man. Next day, little girl. But don’t let appearances
fool you, they can be as fierce as any dragon.
Yet they’re not here to fight our battles, but to whisper from our heart. Reminding that it’s us. Its everyone of us who holds power over the world we create.”

-Sucker Punch

The pain in the ass involved when hooking Myself up to find out if it’s the actual Zoll monitor or if its the 12 lead cables that are going bad (V5 & V6). (Especially since we just got it back from them for supposed repair)….

The relief (when finding the other Zoll & cables that worked) of knowing I haven’t Infarcted anywhere after 8 years in this line of work…

Sigh…the duties of an EMT-1 Shift Sup. Bwhahaha!! Tomorrow is Payday & My 72 Off!! So much for My liver ;)

Sigh…the duties of an EMT-1 Shift Sup. Bwhahaha!!
Tomorrow is Payday & My 72 Off!! So much for My liver ;)